Monday, 27 January 2014

Loneliness and Hope.. Do they Go Hand in Hand

First Sailing Experience

Fourth engineer 
(Onboard the LNG ship Al Mafyar)
Shell Ship Management Limited, UK


            Have you ever felt loneliness inside you?? Yeah I know your answer is yes,,, I don’t even care about those who say 'no'. For all those who just said 'yes', let me tell you there is a whole different aspect of loneliness where I stand now.


Out in the middle of the ocean., where the cries of the world are no longer heard, where the bonds tying you to the world are no longer tight, where man sails on metal enclosures, giant beauties cruising their way through the vast emptiness of the waters.

Yeah that’s when you find the whole new dimension of loneliness, the boundaries to which it extends, and you suddenly realize that if you ever felt lonely in life, it was not even close.

Come here, stand on the bridge of these mighty ships, feel the winds slapping you on your face as if telling you : you are crazy to even be here at the first place. you take the slap on your face, your eyes wide open and you stare at your invisible counterpart....and all you see is a vast emptiness around you.

The vast stretch of open waters, the crazy sound of the roaring waves, the deafening silence of a starry night, and all you are left with is the crushing pain of loneliness! The mind just fills with regret on being there, it starts remembering the good old days back on land, the ones that had the colors filled in them, the ones that had the innocence filled in them.

My mind's upset and I feel like I am crying deep within, i want to shout out loud and just shed off those tears that now make my eyes heavy.

I feel like plunging into the waters, kicking the waves, punching them in the heart if they have one, and then finally loose myself into the depths of the emptiness around me.

I look around, I can’t see anything but emptiness, depression takes over me as a shadow, I am binding under the pain of this emptiness. Emotions start to evolve, thoughts start to quiver, who am I? Why am I here? What wrong did I do?

The black shadow is taking me into its grave, and there......there I see a green flash of light on the horizon! Never saw one before even in my dreams, and the green flash was just the beginning of a new day, I can see the horizon lights being switched on, its like God just woke up from his sleep and the theatre lights start illuminating slowly trying to show its magnificence.
I can see clouds on the horizon, they are no more black, I can see a red tint on them, I know the sun is waiting to reveal itself, waiting for the perfect entry. Already half of my thoughts are fighting with this heroic scene my eyes just perceived, already my heart's pumping more blood, my brain knows that things will be alright now.

I see the first rays of the sun, and out of nowhere I now feel what 'hope' means. I now know the thoughts of the dark are fake and meaningless.

I see some sea birds flying around the ship and trying to rest for a while before they set off again, I think I saw one of them happily smiling at me. My thoughts , the ones that belong to the dark emptiness are weak now.

I see dolphins jumping around trying to steal the rays of the sun even before it reaches me, tells me that the world is dark as my thoughts were, I belong to the seas! I think my muscles just twitched and now my cheeks are shifting and my lips are curving and am I smiling? oh yes, I am smiling, and there he is, the mighty sun, my hero, my thoughts are now dead. I see a new day in front of me. I feel the nature thats around me, I see the sights that very few have seen in this world, I feel the peace that very few have felt and out of nowhere I feel a sudden spring compress in me.

I think it is the adrenalin, it has to be, I realize that being here was not just a choice for me, its also where I belong now. I go down, on the way I see happy faces greeting me, faces that have been here since eternity, I smell food, and I am lost in this beautiful world!

I am supercharged with energy for a new day, with a smiling face I set out for my day's work. I feel content at heart, no more do I regret. The thuds and thumps of the machineries, yeah its the new language that I just became fond of, the terrible heat, I just take pride to be here. Very soon the days over, with a content stomach, a relieved heart, a relaxed brain and a smiling face, I am back to my room.

The setting rays of the sun are just a contrast to the emerging ones. I start reflecting at my own self. Deep thoughts set it, I am so ready to forgive anyone at the moment, I feel to share and talk to someone, I feel old! Wish I had someone here, the sun's just setting and oh what a romantic sight it is. I capture it onto my camera, I view it again and its not at all what i just saw in the real world.

I want to express my feeling to someone, but there's no one around who could possibly understand, the ones who could are far away on land, and here I am, in this empty stretch of vast emptiness! I can’t sleep anymore, I am disturbed, my mind's all confused. I need to yell, I can’t contain it anymore and so I go up to the bridge. Its already night, and its dark, the emptiness has set in. the clouds have become dark, no more do I see a light on the horizon that can fight my mind, I am again staring at this emptiness and suddenly I start thinking: who am I? Why am I here?


and I stand there waiting for my hero to come out and fight my inner self !